He loves Blackburn Rovers and he’s proper funny. TREKuartista95‘s frontman, Callum Dunn-Broom, gives his take on things that have caught his eye this week. Relax, enjoy, and for a couple of minutes don’t take things too seriously.
May 22nd – Alternative season recap
Champions League final’s still to come, but domestic season’s done. Finished. Premier League’s been dog sh*t, really. Sh*te title race. Three promoted teams all going straight back down. Parachute payments secured. P*ss the Championship next season. No bother. VAR and referees getting worse. But good to see Newcastle and Palace bagging ‘emselves a trophy.
Here’s a very ‘T95’ season recap. It’s different. Alternative. As you’d expect. Good reading, hopefully.
Three days before the 2024/25 season kicked off. Ben White had to come to terms with the news that Molly-Mae and Tommy Fury had split up. Lad observed a two minute silence down Pure Gym in skin-tight joggers and a Gymshark tank top. Hammered a few episodes of Peaky Blinders to ease the pain. Kissed his ‘Live Laugh Love’ B&M print before going to bed. Fair play. All worked out fine in the end. Back together. Easy does it.
Jamie Vardy continued to be a massive Sh*tebag. Continued to drink sh*t loads of Red Bull. Continued gumming snus. Little goth.
The football left Casemiro. Lapped him. Saudi’s calling lad.
Tim Sherwood did Cole Palmer’s ‘cold’ celebration. Live on Sky Sports News. After the Chelsea forward bagged a first-half hat-trick. Football, eh? Does daft things to grown men.
Roy Cropper was in the Leicester away end. Giving it big’uns to Le Tissier and Sunak after Southampton bottled a two goal lead. Good viewing. Corrie’s top boy.
Wazza took the Plymouth job. Did sh*te. And smashed karaoke every other night down the Red Lion. Believe. Take On Me. Shout. Nailed ‘em all.
Ruben Amorim left a cushty job in Lisbon. Where he’d have picked up another league title. To manage the circus at Old Trafford. Not gone well at all. He’s regretting it, clearly. Jim Ratcliffe’s making him reuse toilet roll. Two wipes from one sheet, he reckons. They’re bathing in pasta water down at Carrington now. Chefs save the leftover water each day and fill up the baths. Gets Bruno and Maguire to wash the dishes too, mid-bath. Not daft Jim. Martin Lewis wears Jim Ratcliffe pyjamas. Pass it on.
Across town Man City and Pep have been sh*te. That’s after Haaland told Arsenal to ‘be humble’. Went well, did that. Top tier viewing. Nice one lads. Few hundred million in the summer should sort it. No bother.
Roy Keane offered an Ipswich fan out in the car park after Super Sunday back in November. Just clocked off. Credits rolling. Let’s f*cking have it. And you can bring ya f*cking dinner.
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LBFC 21 Corduroy Cap£25.00
Tottenham and Big Ange insisted on continuing to play out from the back. Despite Fraser Forster unable to trap a f*ckin’ sand bag. Still, good to see Spurs finally win a trophy. And Ange stick to his words. ‘I always win something in my second season’. Fair play. Somet’ the Arsenal lads haven’t managed to do for a while now.
Sticking with Tottenham. Of course the first English referee to explain their VAR decision. Live in the ground. Was to disallow a Spurs goal. At the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. That’s well Spursy, is that. Get the DVD made. A plaque in the trophy room. Rate it.
Sean Dyche was sacked by Everton. He wasn’t aware at the time, though. Too busy browsing the Screwfix catalogue. Wanted a new Milwaukee Impact Driver. A four volt screwdriver. And some screws. “Can’t get enough screws.” He says, continuously. Fair play.
Moysey was straight on the blower to the lads. Wanted to get the band back together. “Hola Leon, el Moyesy here. Estas bien? It’s David. David Moyes. How you doing? Long time no speak. Yeah. Sorry I missed the wedding. How’s ya mum? She’s passed? So sorry to hear that mate. Nice funeral? Good spread? Fancy a Goodison return? Phil’s keen. Marouane’s thinking about it. Bainesy’s still there. Yeah he still plays guitar. Ya not sure? Sleep on it. Bell ya tomorrow mate.”
Still continue to struggle pronouncing player names. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia the latest to be absolutely butchered. Lad at work heard it, and expected furniture to start moving. Wingardium Leviosa.
Harry Maguire screamed ‘you cheating sh*thouse’ in Kai Havertz’s face. Which is lovely.
Fulham fans scranned oysters on the train up to Leicester. Which the admin rates, weirdly. Got us all on a string them Tories. Fair play.
It didn’t work out for Stevie G in Saudi. 18 months without a Gregg’s sausage roll is enough to break any man.
Myles Lewis-Skelly chucked out the Haaland celebration. A few months after big Erl shouted ‘who the fuck are you’ in the lads face. Little sh*tebag. Rate it.
FM 2025 was cancelled. Which was a bad day for the The flat white drinking, Birkenstock Boston Clog wearing, field-tilt loving, tofu scranning, hazy IPA sipping, 1 bed flat in a gentrified area of London renting lot. Bad day for the admin too.
Lofty The Lion. Bolton Wanderers’ mascot. Was on the windup. Basically a 30-odd year old bloke. Dressed as a lion. Getting paid 30 quid, if that. Faked a tight hammy. Took the piss out of opposing players for time wasting. Fair play. Rate it. Straight on the factory floor Monday morning telling ‘em all about it.
A Plymouth fan wore a half-and-half Plymouth and Liverpool shirt to their FA Cup game. Deserved relegation for that alone. Sorry.
City rattled Madrid twitter with a Rodri Ballon d’Or banner. ‘Stop crying your heart out.’ Fair play to ‘em.
The last ever Merseyside Derby at Goodison was f*cking wild. Owd boys on the pitch carting off with corner flags. Full time aggro saw Pickford get pinged with a bottle from the crowd. Lad produced a top-five-greatest-knee-slides of all time celebrating big Tarks equaliser.
Birmingham whipped out a full pyrotechnic display. Fireworks. For reaching the final of The EFL Trophy. The Vertu Trophy. Far too American for the admin. Far too much forced fun. Have a clap. Enjoy a few fist pumps and be on ya way. Not hard, is it? Got beat in the final too hahahaha!
Stewards at Turf Moor were spotted doing a pre-match warmup. Weirdos.
Sky Sports rolled out a ‘wall gap distance’ graphic for the first time ever. Just to rattle Arsenal Twitter. And it worked. Somet’ we all fully get behind. Grown men on the blower to the police. ‘I’m on hold Carol. I’ll reheat my tea.’ Lads in the wall being taxid back from the Trafford Centre Food Court. Trek, is that.
The Baller League launched. And it’s f*cking dog sh*t.
A week after winning the Carabao Cup Dan Burn pushed a broken down car off a roundabout. Geordie Dads driving round Blyth for weeks with the oil light on. Hoping. Praying. He’s knocking about.
Liverpool fans took the Trent news really well. You’ll never walk alone. Unless you fancy a new challenge. Abroad. Then you will.
I’ve missed numerous mid-week matches ‘cause Jules was watching Corrie. Wounded.
Wazza was caught pissing in the street. Man of the people.
Forest’s owner was on the pitch at full time. Fuming. Gave big Nuno a bollocking. Harsh. Worked wonders has lad. European football secured.
Arne Slot and Liverpool pissed the Premier League. And instead of training hard. Focussing on winning as many points as possible. They f*cked training off and went to Ibiza to give it big’uns with Wayne Lineker. Priorities.
The FA Cup had it all. One of the best in recent years. Dean Henderson in a cap. A VAR howler which should’ve seen him sent off. A penalty save. Coaches squaring up on the touchline. And the underdogs winning their first ever major trophy. Class.
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Proper Mug£12.00
Callum Dunn-Broom is a sports writer and media strategist. He’s also proper funny and always on point. As he perfectly puts it, T95 write about Sports, in their own way.
For a load more of that, including reviews, memoirs, interviews and some brilliant long form content, subscribe to T95’s Un-Athletic Club on Substack.
April 22nd
EFL double-headers are f*ckin’ mint, aren’t they? Need more of ‘em. Not sure how we squeeze ‘em in, mind. But someone can find a way, surely. Four day weekends too. Happily take a few more of ‘em throughout the year. Every quarter or somet’? Easy does it.
Video doing the rounds of a game getting called off at half time ‘cause someone sh*t in the referee’s trainer. Sh*te crack, that. No pun intended. Honestly. Horrible. Absolute animal. Find ‘em and lock ‘em up. No matter how much of a stinker ref’s had can’t be doing that. Dirty b*stard.
SC Paderborn 07 goalkeeper went on a mad one over the weekend. Proper sweeper keeper job. Popped up on the right wing at one point whipping balls into the box. Mad. I’m having a cardiac arrest if Rovers’ number one’s doing that at Ewood.
Over in Belgium a Union Saint-Gilloise staff member kicked a ball onto the pitch. In the 90th minute. To stop a Genk attack, who were chasing an equaliser. Somet’ we get fully behind, as you’d expect. Give the lad freedom of the town. Statue job. Free pints for life. Whatever.
Pascal Struijk knocking about in a Lucas Radabe shirt. Early 2000s. Blue Strongbow job. Fair play. Film camera over the shoulder too. Documenting the promotion party. Be heavy that. Farke crowd surfing. Naked. Bamford pulling his hammy doing the Conga. Bogle FaceTiming Wilder. Rodon in the corner still fuming over Rovers playing a low-block. Enjoy it.
Gary Nev said the gap between the Premier League and the Championship’s getting bigger. But now’s not the time to talk about it, apparently. So when is, Gary? When’s someone gonna address it? Last season’s three promoted teams all returning to the Championship with a whimper. Bit harsh on Ipswich, actually. They’ve been alright. Other two, sh*te. And we’ll probably see the same with Leeds, Burnley and whoever joins ‘em next season. They’ll all spend a good chunk of money too. But it won’t be enough. So they’ll come straight back down, and then dominate the Championship again the following season. Yo-yo teams. The parachute payments Burnley would’ve been entitled to next season had they not achieved promotion will be redistributed to the other Premier League teams. Madness. Should be filtered down the pyramid. For those struggling. That’d be fair, though. And we wouldn’t wanna see Premier League clubs missing out on some extra cash, eh?
Best league in the world the Championship, by the way. Still loads to play for with just two games to go. Wouldn’t get that in ya tory Premier League. Nahh. Still 4 or 5 teams in the hunt for a top six finish. But it’s down the bottom where it’s all happening. Preston thought they were safe. Set for another 13th place finish. They’ve been dragged into it. Sh*tting ‘emselves now. The bottom four separated by just three points. Drama.
Baller League. Another moan. What the f*ck’s that all about? Load of s*ite. Troy Deeney. A grown man. Played in the Premier League. Getting rattled by YouTubers. Goths. Have a word lad. People paying good money for their Sky Sports package and that’s what they’re getting served. Be fuming me. Asking for a refund.
There’s a new gaff in Liverpool. Called Cafe Baggio. As in Bobby Baggio. A football cafe by day and bar by night. They serve big f*ck off slabs of lasagne. And garlic bread whilst Champions League footy’s on. It’s all homemade by one of the owners, Simon. Lasagne had a reyt good crispy top layer. Full of flavour. Well filled. Garlic bread provided the perfect vessel. Slap ’em both together for a little lasagne butty. No bother. Top tier scran. Popped down last week with the Well Good lot. No xG nonsense. No field-tilt sh*te. No mention of progressive passes. Just nods to Football Italia. Calcio. Diego’s got a spot on the wall. There’s a rail full of vintage shirts you can browse and bag next to a Subbuteo mat. Get yaself down.
Callum Dunn-Broom is a sports writer and media strategist. He’s also proper funny and always on point. As he perfectly puts it, T95 write about Sports, in their own way.
For a load more of that, including reviews, memoirs, interviews and some brilliant long form content, subscribe to T95’s Un-Athletic Club on Substack.
April 13th
Winning League Cups and England caps one week. Saving a broken down driver the next. Dan Burn’s well sound. Helped push a Renault off a roundabout the other day. Out of juice. Be Geordie Dads running their cars into the ground for weeks now. Hoping. Praying. He’s there to save the day. Mind ya back, Dan lad.
Sheffield United have proper bottled the automatics. Imploded. And Chris Wilder’s not taking it very well. Kicked off with a few Plymouth Argyle players at the weekend. And called a fan ‘fat lad’. Couldn’t just keep his head down. Get himself down the tunnel. Nahhh. Had to get stuck in. Head loss.
Tranmere were three down at Accrington Stanley with ten minutes to go. Bagged three thunder-bast**ds, including an equaliser 11 minutes into injury time, to snatch a point. Limbs. Not seen many better this season. Fair play.
Blackburn Rovers won a game of football. Rarity these days. Felt weird. Felt good. Into ‘em. Celebrated by doing a tip run. Nowt I’d rather be doing at 5:30pm on a Saturday than slinging rubble out the back of the Volvo into a big f*ck off container. Have it. F*cking love tip runs me. No need to tell me which container my scrap metal’s going Keith lad. I’m sound. Number 7. 12 for garden waste. 6 for cardboard. 4 for hard plastic. No bother.
Man United, who are dog sh*t by the way. Announced they’ll be off to Asia at the end of the season to play two friendlies. Straight after the Premier League’s finished. No break for the lads. No rest. Straight to it. Fixture congestion? Sir Jim’s not arsed. It’s a myths. Two extra games won’t hurt lads. Got shut of FA Cup replays so ya sound. Tories.
Bristol City being 5th in the Championship. Can’t be getting behind that. Sorry. No right being any higher than 12th that lot. Occupying mid-table mediocrity with North End. Season fizzling out. No relegation battle to worry about. No push for promotion. Middle of the road. Nose bleed territory right now for the Robins.
Birmingham pulled out the pyrotechnics after reaching the Virtu Trophy final the other week. Travelled down to Wembley in their masses on Sunday. Over 100,000 of ‘em, apparently. Expecting Peterborough to roll over. Fergie Jr. and the Posh weren’t having any of it, though. Nahhh. Stick that on ya documentary Brady lad. ‘You’ve gotta fight, and win.’
Sorry. But I’ve absolutely no time for ya AI action figures. Grow up.
Back-to-back four day working weeks. Nice one Jesus lad. You’ll do for me.
Callum Dunn-Broom is a sports writer and media strategist. He’s also proper funny and always on point. As he perfectly puts it, T95 write about Sports, in their own way.
For a load more of that, including reviews, memoirs, interviews and some brilliant long form content, subscribe to T95’s Un-Athletic Club on Substack.
March 31st
Gonna start on a negative. Get it out the system. Get shut early doors. Get the bad ‘uns out the way. Ya know how it goes. Really enjoyed the international break, won’t lie. Only ‘cause it were back-to-back weeks without Rovers. Bit of tranquility. Ticker needed it. Was thankful. Stress-free for fourteen days, thank you. They returned on Saturday, mind. And them stress levels were back through the f*ckin’ roof. Honestly. Ruined my day that lot. Shower of sh*te. Must be class supporting an ‘alf decent team. Would never know.
The big dogs have done their very best to ruin the FA Cup this season. To cull any magic. Scrapping replays and all that sh*te. But it’s been an intriguing watch for the neutral. Bar City, there’s been a good blend of teams you’d not normally expect to see in the latter stages of the competition. Ya Bournemouths. Ya Brightons. Ya Forests. Ya Prestons. They’re tinpot, but we’ll give ‘em their due and all that. Fair play. Hopefully Forest do City in the semis so there’s a different team winning it.
Adam Wharton helped Crystal Palace reach the other semi-final. Although I’d say he was lucky to stay on the pitch. That’s the Blackburn in him, is that. Sent three Fulham players for a kebab with a disgusting Maradona turn on the halfway line. Filth. Different gravy that lad.
A Norwich fan got down on one knee and proposed to his partner on the pitch at Carrow Road on Saturday. She said yes, I think. Couldn’t actually hear her response as it was drowned out by chants of “Ya don’t know what ya doing.” Rate it. The exact response i’d expect and want, in all honesty.
Remember when Conor Sammon bagged himself a free pizza after winning player of the match for Partick Thistle a few years back? Well in Norway they’ve gone a bit weirder. Goalkeeper Jan de Boer was handed four trays of eggs. Class. Looks buzzing. Sorted for a good few weeks there. Far too many for the little egg holster in the fridge, mind.
If the tweet below’s satire, then fair f*cks. Ya got us all. If it’s genuine, then stop now. Find some friends. Get out the house. Go for a walk. Down a pint. Toot on a vape. Do somet’. ‘causality and chaos’ ‘spatial entropy’ ‘quantum-leaps’ ‘xThreat zone’ ‘temporal integrity’ a load of f*ckin’ sh*te mate. Just waffle.
If ya stuck for somet’ to watch this week then Last One Laughing should sort you out. Top tier TV. Creasing from start to finish. Basically loads of comics chucked into a Big Brother-like gaff. And they’ve to try make each other laugh. Last one to laugh, wins. Self explanatory really. I’d last two minutes me. No chance. Jimmy Carr’s the host. He’s alright. Then you’ve got Daisy May Cooper, Richard Ayoade, Harriet Kemsley, Joe Wilkinson, Rob Beckett, Judi Love and a few others. Couple of guest appearances too. Six episodes. Half hour each. Just easy viewing. What you need sometimes, init?
Creme Egg season. Scran six in less than five minutes can the admin. Proud as f*ck.
Un-Athletic Club’s been going for over a year now and we’ve not once mentioned Bob Mortimer, which is criminal. Until now. Lad’s a national treasure. Features in Last One Laughing too. Has a good ding-dong with Richard Ayoade. Like Fergie vs. Wenger. Keane vs. Vieira. Ali vs. Frazier. Could go either way job. Top of their game. Very good viewing.
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Maradona Tactics Notebook£12.00 -
Lower Block Boot Bag£6.50
Callum Dunn-Broom is a sports writer and media strategist. He’s also proper funny and always on point. As he perfectly puts it, T95 write about Sports, in their own way.
For a load more of that, including reviews, memoirs, interviews and some brilliant long form content, subscribe to T95’s Un-Athletic Club on Substack.
March 17
Newcastle winning the EFL Cup. Good for footy, sh*te for Twitter. Only thing worse? Arsenal lot winning the league. Deactivation job, no questions. Fair play to Newcastle fans, though. I’d be the exact same if it were Rovers. Still bang on about ‘95, to be fair. Sound, is that.
Dan Burn was pushing trollies around Asda car park t’other year. Now he’s bagging goals at Wembley. And lifting trophies for his boyhood club. What dreams are made of, init? Go read his Dad’s letter, which he wrote the last time Newcastle reached the cup final. Tenner says ya shed a tear. Lying if you don’t.
Bet that lad can neck pints well quick ya know. No gullet or somet’ mad. Animal.
Ant and Dec getting more screen time than Mo Salah. Impressive, is that. Bet they’re dog sh*t at footy them two. Both wear shinnies to midweek sevens. Legs like bread sticks. Weak. Technique of a three year old. Criminal.
Liverpool deserved to lose as soon as it showed that fan in the stands wearing a PSG cap. The idea’s nice. Collecting somet’ from ya travels. I rate that. But wearing it to a cup final. Few days after getting dumped out of the Champions League? Nahhh, not for me.
Someone have a word with both Arne Slot and Eddie Howe. Neither donned a suit for a cup final. At Wembley. Tony Pulis, fuming. “Weddings. Christenings. Funerals. Wembley. Ya wear a suit Deborah.” He’s right. Eddie’s rocked up in full exam-invigilator clobber. Tracksuit. Trainers. Travel mug in hand. No respect for the competition. Poor.
Blackburn Rovers. Had enough of ‘em. Honestly. Fold the club. It’s on its arse. Insert John Coleman “I’m rapidly falling out of love with football, I just wonder what’s the point anymore.” Three defeats on the bounce. Five points adrift of the top six. Fans turning on a gaffer who’s been in charge four games. Players look defeated. John Eustace had it right.
Bad week for fav backers down at Cheltenham. Never known out like it. Constitution Hill. Jonbon. Teahupoo. Galopin Des Champs. All well beat. Good day out, though. If ya willing to pay eight quid a pint…
Request from me. If you are going the races. And ya under the age of 30. Don’t wear a flat-cap. Ya look like a dickhead. And f*ck all like Thomas Shelby. There’s a reason ya Dad’s stopped wearing his. Fair play Keith.
Adolescence. Netflix. Stephen Graham. Ashley Walters. Top tier viewing. Four episodes. Each shot as one continuous scene. Clever as f(ck. Give it a watch. Won’t be disappointed.
Last one for today. Request via the T95 DMs. “Making the away dressing room cr*p.” Yep. All the time in the world for this. Welcome to hell and all that sh*te. No warm water. Toilet’s stink of sh*te. Broken hooks. Light’s flickering. Proper little sh*thole.
Callum Dunn-Broom is a sports writer and media strategist. He’s also proper funny and always on point. As he perfectly puts it, T95 write about Sports, in their own way.
For a load more of that, including reviews, memoirs, interviews and some brilliant long form content, subscribe to T95’s Un-Athletic Club on Substack.
March 10th
Arsenal fans losing their heads over that wall. Still funny, init? Sky Sports on a proper windup, still. Had Dermot Gallagher pacing up and down the studio on Monday. Good viewing.
Derby County beating Blackburn Rovers on Saturday was the no brainer. The banker. The one that couldn’t fail. And didn’t. John Eustace sorting Cheltenham funds for the week, cheers mate. Ya snake.
Cheltenham Festival, by the way. Up the nags. It’s not for everyone, mind. Which is fair enough. Is class though. We’ve not yet dropped nags on the feed. Probably leave that one. Unless Galopin Des Champs does the business in the Gold Cup, again.
Almost a week since FIFA announced Chris Martin’s organising an halftime show for the 2026 World Cup final. Get to f*ck. Load of sh*te. If it hadn’t already (it had), the game’s fully gone. The Americans have got their hands on it now. Ya owd man be drinking Duff Beer from a silly hat before you know it.
Ya owd man didn’t watch them YouTubers down at Wembley, though. Nahh. He’s got standards. Loads of little goths. Who can’t kick. Or trap a ball. Necking Monster. Saying everything’s ‘cold’. It’s not. Fair play to ‘em though. Got the youth on strings. Making millions for charity. Fair play. Angry Ginge can ping. Diags.
That Baller League starts soon. Few YouTubers involved in that too. Obviously. They’re like rats. Only ever three meters away from one. Get where water can’t. Sack ‘em off. And bring back Masters League. No need to over complicate it like they are doing with the last three minutes turning into three-a-side, with goalkeepers unable to use their hands. Insert Alan Partridge idea meme.
New United stadium’s f*cking sh*te, init? Proper Minehead Butlin’s job. Can’t be having them big f*ck off mast/tower things. Not in Manchester. Blows a Gail Platt every other week. Be causing havoc on the 62. Harpooning Eddie Stobart’s. Nightmare.
Old ladies sat behind the goal. No regard for their own safety. But loving it. Fair play to ‘em. Getting out. Giving it big’uns. Football’s for everyone, except Tories. Sound.
Callum Dunn-Broom is a sports writer and media strategist. He’s also proper funny and always on point. As he perfectly puts it, T95 write about Sports, in their own way.
For a load more of that, including reviews, memoirs, interviews and some brilliant long form content, subscribe to T95’s Un-Athletic Club on Substack.
February 18th
Almost a week on since Goodison Park hosted its final Merseyside Derby, and the admin’s still buzzing over it. Proper game of football that. Absolute carnage at the end. James Tarkowski sparked it all with a sh*t-pinger of a volley deep into injury time to bag a point. Fair play lad, won’t score many better. There were owd boys on the pitch giving it big’uns. Someone’s dad running off with the corner flag. Would’ve been on eBay first thing in the morning if it weren’t for the stewards. Pickford produced one of the greatest knee slides you’ll ever see. Abdoulaye Doucouré decided to give it big’uns in front of the travelling Liverpool fans. Curtis Jones didn’t take too kindly to that. Both got ‘emselves sent off after the final whistle. Commentators gave it the classic ‘nobody wants to see this’. Sorry, but we absolutely do. Good viewing.
There’s somet’ romantic. Somet’ poetic. About David Moyes returning to Everton. In their final season at Goodison. Saving ‘em from relegation. And going above West Ham and Man United in the league. The two teams that sacked him. Somet’ we can all get behind, init? Would, without hesitation, go for a beer with the lad. Bet he can drink.
John Eustace swapped promotion chasing Blackburn Rovers, for relegation threatened Derby County last week. And the admin’s very bitter, won’t lie. Lad spent a good 12 months talking about togetherness. A ‘no excuses’ culture. And then jumps ship. Hypocrite. Clearly there are issues behind the scenes at Ewood. We all know that. It’s been a sh*t-show for years. Venky’s have killed the club. But for Eustace to depart with Rovers bang in the mix for a top six finish is odd. Give it till the end of the season at least. Finish the job. And you’ve done unbelievable. Ya stock’s gonna be high. Miss out, and ya can blame the board. The lack of investment. It’s win-win. Get ya move in June no matter what. Always thought better of the lad. Shame.
Venky’s then. Somet’ the admin can, obviously, absolutely not get behind. If Blackburn Rovers were a dog. It would’ve been put down by now. Put out its misery. Euthanised. Ever since Venky’s took over in 2010 the club’s been on a downward trajectory. Dying a slow death. Like when ya family Labrador’s back legs go. And they drag their arse across ya Mum’s brand new cream rug from Dunelm. Sh*t stained. Everyone knows what’s coming. Beginning of the end. And that’s the same down at Ewood. A club on its arse. A sad state of affairs.
We all hate footballers doing muted celebrations against their former employers, don’t we? Insert Sean Dyche standing next to a green tiled wall. Load of f*ckin’ sh*te. Adam Forshaw decided to put an end to that woke nonsense on Saturday. Bagged his first goal in almost a decade against Plymouth. The side he was contracted to up until last month. The Pilgrims got shut. Terminated his contract. Fans gave him pelters all game. Slagged him for weeks on Twitter. Only right, then, he gave it absolute big’uns in front of the Plymouth bench. Fair play.
That new Nike Premier League ball’s a belter, init? Total 90 inspired. Proper ping on it. Screams Morten Gamst Pedersen. Jay-Jay Okocha. Drogba. Barclaysmen. Them Nike Total 90 III astroturfs are making a comeback too. hip are selling ‘em. Proper school disco wheels. Go and get the flame shirt. And ya wet look gel. Got some knee slidin’ to do. Fair play.
Leeds United vs. Sunderland. 2nd vs. 4th in the Championship. Shouldn’t be a Monday night job. No Championship fixture should. That said, f*cking belter of a game. Some good Monday viewing, won’t lie. Better than Corrie double header. Nowt compares to Elland Road when they’re all bang at it. 95th minute winner. Limbs. Admin’s father-in-law probably on the deck searching for his Greggs. Fair play. Carnage. Keeps the Dingles at bay too. Win win.
Callum Dunn-Broom is a sports writer and media strategist. He’s also proper funny and always on point. As he perfectly puts it, T95 write about Sports, in their own way.
For a load more of that, including reviews, memoirs, interviews and some brilliant long form content, subscribe to T95’s Un-Athletic Club on Substack.
February 10th
Football without VAR’s just better, init? Obviously there were some sh*te decisions again this weekend, but they’re easier to take when it’s in the moment. Live. And some goth in a porta-cabin hasn’t spent 10 minutes watching slow-mo replays to still come to the wrong decision. Leicester and Rovers fans will probably disagree. Both on the end of honking offside decisions. Harry Maguire was in a different f*cking postcode to the Leicester defence. But the games flowed better. Take that all day.
Leyton Orient almost pulled off one of the greatest upsets in FA Cup history. And they would’ve deserved it 100%. The League One side took it to the Premier League champions, who fielded a relatively strong side. Not full strength. Couple of kids. But an eleven that’s worth a bob or two, no questions. KDB, Bernardo Silva, John Stones and Phil Foden were all required from the bench to avoid what would’ve been the worst result of Pep’s managerial career. Some competition is the FA Cup. Stop trying to kill it.
Martin Keown was on co-comms duty Saturday afternoon. And while the majority of those watching probably opted for the mute button the admin couldn’t get enough of the lad. Honestly. Top tier listening. Never known anyone be so negative. Chat so much sh*te. And get paid to do so. He’s the owd fella on ya street who’d stick a knife through ya T90 ball if it bounced into his garden. Puts bins on the road outside his gaff so nobody nicks his parking spot. Declines taking in his neighbours parcels. Spent 90 minutes calling Stefan Ortega Stefan Orteta. Fair play, rate that. Was absolutely fuming Jamie Donley’s strike from near the halfway line, which rattled the crossbar before hitting Ortega on the back diverting it into the goal, was given as an own-goal. Despite it being the most obvious own-goal you’ll ever see.
Ask Siri to define ‘thunder-bast**d’ and it’ll point you in the direction of Tomoki Itawa’s 40th minute goal vs. Newcastle 8th February 2025. Foot like a traction engine. ‘Release the Kraken’. Screamer. Rocket. Proper f*cking hit. Running away from goal. Laces right through it. Couldn’t have hit it any better. Nick Pope absolutely no chance. Eddie Howe could’ve been on his shoulders and he wouldn’t have got near it. Banger.
That game at St Andrew’s was, a ‘proper cup tie’. End-to-end. Bad tackles flying in all over the gaff. A few dodgy refereeing decisions. Plenty of needle. And a ground absolutely rocking. Easy does it.
Plymouth. Rock bottom of the Championship. Dumping quadruple chasing Liverpool out of the FA Cup. That’s what it’s all about, init? Don’t buy the ‘Liverpool played their fourth team’ sh*te. Nahh. Not having it. 6 or 7 who started would get in most Premier League teams. A Miron Muslić masterclass. Arne Slot scuppered. Unlucky.
Real Madrid decided to pay tribute to former defender Marcelo ahead of the Madrid Derby on Saturday. Los Blancos allowed the Brazilian on to the pitch before kick off to earn the fans’ applause after announcing his retirement from football. Atletico didn’t fancy joining in, though. Nahh. Didn’t entertain it one bit. Had other ideas. Got ‘emselves ready for kick-off instead. ‘Get ya shape lads. Think on here. Concentrate. Vamos. ’ Simeone probably shouted. Sh*tebag. Fair play.
Lofty The Lion. Bolton Wanderers’ mascot. Was on the wind-up Saturday. Faking a tight hammy. Taking the piss out of opposing players for time wasting. Fair play. Rate it. Probably a 30-odd year old bloke inside that fluffy suit. Getting paid 30 quid, if that. Bet lad was on the factory floor this morning telling ‘em all about it. Fair play.
Michael Olise training in vintage adidas F50 Tunits is somet’ we can all get behind, init? Need adidas to bring back the F50+ Spiders and we’re laughing. Top tier boots, them.
Spurs fans giving it big’uns to Dion Dublin. Get where water couldn’t that lad. Live on BBC. Calling him a wanker. And the big man giving it ‘em back. Yeah, rate that Dion lad. ‘And you’ve got the stairs there, which leads outside where i’ll knock you the f*ck out.’ Big lad.
Callum Dunn-Broom is a sports writer and media strategist. He’s also proper funny and always on point. As he perfectly puts it, T95 write about Sports, in their own way.
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